Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this