ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Leaving the Barbers like
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me irl
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”