Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.