Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
You Might Also Like
Life is a suicide mission.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money