Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.