Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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I falcon love using swear birds
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I’m too immature for adultery.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge