Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die