Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Isn’t
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
the three genders
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*