Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Guantanamo Bae
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Poetry is my passion
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.