Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
and now we wait
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
A choir of Spring onions
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.