Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.