My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.