People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I don’t make the rules sorry
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.