We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?