@shegotagronk: Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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@catlikethiefx0: Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
@Sickayduh: Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."
@TheGladStork: Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.