@shegotagronk: Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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@PaulyPeligroso: A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
@Brampersandon_: ADELE: hello from the outside ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
@Iwriteforcats: [Sunday] God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake. *walks up to Chick-fil-A* OH COME ON!!