Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”