@shegotagronk: Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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@rolldiggity: Hate when I'm being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he's tied to the back of a tiger.
@JakeSocial: Just received an email saying: "Want to see Celine Dion live?" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
@UnFitz: It's called "personal grooming" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
@SharkJelly: [1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken