Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Yup.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together