@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
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@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@KeetPotato: [reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: "updog.. what's updog?" [another bottle hits my foot]