@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
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@SatansTongue: *Meninist meeting* WOMEN ARE EVIL- *phone rings* Uhh just a second... *picks up phone* Mom not while I'm doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
@jimmytorosian: [Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim* ♫ All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies ♫
@pleatedjeans: [airport] For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class What's that? Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins [slaps table] SOLD
@TheDarkSideCEO: Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.