@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
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@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
@LnL245: I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
@Sirrruh: One day my kids will find a "We're Closed" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
@Dawn_M_: If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he's probably lonely.