@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
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@smashbrown_: U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
@jazmasta: "I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets" "Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!"
@thatdutchperson: [finds sock with hole in it] *gets angry* [puts sock back in same drawer] *repeats forever*
@Abusitron: Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT