@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
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@Sarcasticsapien: When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying "Good answer" like people on Family Feud.
@River_Niles: Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word Me: Hired Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.