Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
welcome back
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.