Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.