Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius