Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.