Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
🔦🌙👣
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you