Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”