I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The news in a nutshell.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.