@GinRumMe: (Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.)
Text: Hey what are you up to?
@alan_maguire: I'm watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don't even have teeth, it's just capitalism making them want things they don't need
@PhoenixRises69: iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.
I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.
@josePhDhoran: The opposite of Iceland is water water
@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
@panmidwest: ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don't even highlight in books