@GinRumMe: (Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.)
Text: Hey what are you up to?
@murrman5: [at funeral]
"my phone is vibrating"
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
"no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
@TravLeBlanc: A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
@Jeff_Sargeant: 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it's bad
@causticbob: I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
@samuelhlowe: The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.