@GinRumMe: (Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.)
Text: Hey what are you up to?
@truegritrumble: HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous.
HER: You're sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
@SlipCarefully: Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass 'em around at the meeting. nnDidn't get any stars. nGot RT'd to HR.
@murrman5: [closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here
*wife walks in with police officer*
"did you take a knife to a job interview"
@daemonic3: Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat's off?
Dr: Hearts can't beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
@gogglepossum: [talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name