Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”