@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you
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@gabemakesmusic: I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as "senseitational"
@causticbob: All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
@panmidwest: CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5's and a 10? ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote 'never change' in my high school yearbook] no
@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.