Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.