ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
girls literally only want one thing..
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
When can I start eating bats again.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.