Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken