Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart