don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.