Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
You Might Also Like
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
guilty
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk