Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I will never stop laughing at this
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.