Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain