Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
cyclists
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: