I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
concern
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