Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
hi why am I like this
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush