Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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LOL!
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
so this horse walks into a bar
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…