Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?