I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Haha! 😂
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana