I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Lmao
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
the noise i just made
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!