‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda