@gorrdano: Don't ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone's funeral in a casket, then so be it.
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@DrDogMD: DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily? PATIENT: no DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
@astutenewf: Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
@robfee: I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they're such big fans but probably can't even name 3 of his songs.