Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
You Might Also Like
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Very problematic
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.