@shatty48: Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious.
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@Ygrene: [at the park] SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter) ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.” Wife: Me: Everything isn’t about you.
@daemonic3: [home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK