@shatty48: Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious.
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@Rollmaninoz: *coworker drinks coffee I made them* Me: I poisoned your coffee… Coworker: WHAT? Me:…with love! Coworker: oh haha me: The love for murder
@goodballs: How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.
@jonnysun: "it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. … "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"
@msmollybee25: This bartender doesn't know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.