Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked