Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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we’re gonna need another temp
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
what kind of cook setting is this??
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!