Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord