Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar