Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.