Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
🤣🤣🤣
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.