@just1fool: Don't ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don't want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
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@ArfMeasures: [phone] Me: Oh wow I love your voice Her: Thanks! Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south? Her: Good guess! Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food! Her: Me too! It's the best! Me: It really is Her: Anyway what's your emergency Me: I've been stabbed
@mrandrewm: ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond (puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater) ME: ok now....wait what’s that splashing (Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going) NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
@UncleDuke1969: [concert parking lot] SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt? ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze... $20. It’ll blow your mind. KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks! SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!? ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.