Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?